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Dear For Love & Money,
I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but my husband says we can’t afford it. I disagree. He makes well into the six figures, and our home and cars are all paid off. I make a fraction of what he makes. He’s never come out and said it, but when we’ve talked about it, he seems like he doesn’t think he should have to pay my way for things (e.g., fun money, retirement, etc.)
We have five kids between the ages of seven and 16, so I wouldn’t really be offsetting a ton of childcare expenses. My real desire is to homeschool the youngest three. My husband agrees with my reasons for wanting to do this, but as far as the money is concerned, he doesn’t see why we should pay for it by having me quit my job when public school is free.
Our values feel like they’ve diverged so much in recent years. I don’t want to leave him, but I also don’t want the same life he wants anymore. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Aspiring Homeschool Mom
Dear Aspiring Homeschool Mom,
Between the horror stories on Facebook about what happens in the bathroom of your average public middle school and the linen-clad homeschool mamas on TikTok sharing their kids’ creek-side adventures, I get how the thought of schooling your children in the safety of your own home would be far more appealing than putting them on the school bus each morning. And that’s especially so when said homeschool mamas are captioning their daily forest explorations with sanctimonious guiltmongering captions like, “Imagine dropping your kids off at school to go work for a company that won’t send flowers to your funeral, and missing out on moments like this.”
If you carry the average mom’s panicked nostalgia over every passing second of your child’s fleeting childhood, and you’re creative and disciplined enough to know you can do it, it makes total sense that you want to homeschool. I myself think this way at times, and if you knew my story, you’d realize how shocking an admission that is.
You see, I was homeschooled from kindergarten through my senior year in high school. I didn’t love it. Even before my future children existed as twinkles in my eye, I was already swearing up and down to anyone who would listen that they would attend public school someday — and that’s exactly what I did.
And yet, 15 years into actual motherhood, I sometimes waver. I’ll hear the stories of what happened at school, and look at my schedule and think, Could I make this work?
The truth is, though, no, I probably couldn’t. And even if I could, homeschooling wouldn’t be the perfect solution to the ills of the public school system; I have an entire diploma printed off my mom’s Windows 98 to prove it. In the same way, public school hasn’t turned out according to my adolescent fantasies.
I don’t say this to talk you out of wanting what you want and valuing the things that have interested you in homeschooling; I say it as a reminder that no dream, no solution, no plan, is perfect. While homeschooling would perhaps allow you to sleep in and wrap up the school day whenever you were good and ready, it also requires a parent to be all the things public schools have to offer — not just the teacher, but also the PE coach, the career counselor, and the social coordinator, on top of maintaining all the usual responsibilities that come with raising children.
Then, of course, there’s the money piece, which is your husband’s argument. This is what makes personal finance such a fascinating, complicated, and sensitive topic — how we spend our money is a direct reflection of our values. For you, that means giving up tens of thousands of dollars a year to give your children what you consider the best possible education. I can imagine the frustration and perhaps even judgment you may feel when your husband says (or implies) that the money should actually go toward allowing him not to carry the financial load alone.
You mentioned not wanting to leave your husband over this, which implies that you’ve considered it as a possibility. A quick reminder, for whatever it’s worth — aside from remarriage, which is too variable to factor into the equation — leaving your husband would prevent you from becoming the homeschool mom you aspire to be.
In my view, though, the dealbreaker you’re tacitly referring to seems to have less to do with homeschooling specifically and more to do with what you see as a difference in your values. I want to challenge this idea, however, that your values have diverged.
In your letter, you said that your husband agrees with your reasons for wanting to homeschool. That tells me that you still share that value; you’re simply keener to act on it than he is. This means you have plenty of reason to hope and continue talking to your husband about it and making your case.
Dropping an entire income, no matter how small its contribution to your overall net worth, is a big decision. You’ve been sending your children to pubic school for over a decade, and switching at this late stage is another monumental choice. Your husband is reluctant to take such a significant leap. As frustrating as this may feel, given that you have already made the mental decision yourself, you have to understand your husband’s hesitation. At the same time, you also have every right to want what you want for your shared life. So, fight for it.
Talk about it. Do your homework, put together a pitch deck, and break down the finances in a color-coded spreadsheet. In your letter, you mentioned that “he’s never come out and said” what meaning your income holds for him, so ask him. Give him space to articulate his reservations and concerns. Maybe he’ll have a point, or maybe he’ll recognize that you do. The important thing is to talk about it.
You share five kids, one of whom is 16. In just a couple of years, you’ll have brought a whole child to graduation. Believe in your ability to do it four more times, together.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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